Life In The Desert

After four months things are slowly getting worse. Glacially, in that imperceptibly slow yet relentlessly grinding way that turns mountains into deep valleys. If you just watch it it's not noticeable, but if you look at the effluent running out you can see what was the remains of the mountain as it's washed away. I guess the question becomes, is the mountain useful or was it just a pile of garbage that needed to be eliminated.

It used to be that I saw some value in the cleaning effect of the scrubbing and grinding. Any therapeutic effect that might have been there is long gone. Now like the few boulders left when a glacier recedes I'm just worn down and smooth with nothing left to indicate what I once was.

I've set in front of the keyboard just staring. I've got so much to say and no longer even know how to say it. I can't seem to get past this thing. I used to be a person who knew how to push forward. Always driving forward towards the end. But this time I'm not sure I even know how. I seem to have lost that ability. Things were getting better but now they are just slowly getting worse and worse. Drug down into the muck and mire of weirdness and indecision.

Somehow I need to regain myself. I seem to have lost a wife and gained a long term girlfriend(?) Even she doesn't realize that we no longer are close. When I told her I no longer confide in her even though I want to she seems to think that's a one way street on me. The funny part is she's no longer confiding in me. I'm also not the only one she's dropping the ball with but she doesn't look at her life objectively and ask herself what's happening. Instead she focuses on me and what I do wrong. Seeing herself as somehow the better party in this.

I've attempted to talk to her about these things but somehow it gets nowhere. She sees separation as the defining point of who she is. Now she can't imagine power without this touchstone of being away from me. But the process of trying to salvage our marriage is destroying me. I've passed on work... So many things to my personal detriment and always the same outcome. Wish I new how to get this thing upside right because I'm drowning here.

I just upgraded from 7.10 to 8.04LTS So far I'm very happy with the change and improvements. It does seem like it's not quite as light weight as previous editions but that may just be all of the widgets and what have you I've got running. After running Ubuntu Linux for a year now I find I like it better and better every day. I'm down to one program I have to run windows for and even that I'm running in a virtual machine in a window on my desktop. Sometimes I have to laugh when I see my XP machine merrily running and me knowing it can't hurt anything or anyone. Even better if something else were to truly come along that I couldn't live without in the world of Windoze I can run it on my "machine" Even better if XP isn't good enough I can create a different virtual machine and put the appropriate version whatever OS on it and off I go.

Now I just need to solve what I want to do with the website (OIM) and in the end where I want to house my blog. I'm beginning to think I would like to put it on it's own site. I'm wanting/ need to upgrade or change my software. This one is terrible in it's ability to reject spam type trackbacks. While I don't have any readers and have only gotten one comment in my entire life on this it was worth it. So I don't want to cut off the ability to comment and moderation of every comment would make them burdensome in the extreme.

I've finally decided to get rid of my saltwater tank. the only thing is every time I think about it I get sick to my stomach. I almost throw up. I guess because I don't think that tearing down the tank resolves the problems. From my point of view if it comes down to this or that the the tank will go in favor of riding. But somehow I feel like my interests will always be viewed with some degree of me being the guy who spends frivolously. Even as I ride around with worn out gloves that I won't replace because I don't want to spend the money. I often wonder where the difference between the image of me and the reality of me somehow diverge.